Today is one of those days when I am so glad that my identity is in Jesus. I don't know how people without Him survive. Even on the good days, but especially on days like today when I feel attacked and hard pressed. I know I must decrease so He can increase, even when my flesh wants to rise up. And it wants to rise up hard today. It wants to rise up and be mean and ugly and hateful, to scream and cry and cuss, to throw my hands up in the air and cry out "screw you, I'm done!" It wants to go to war and physically pound and beat and annihilate the enemy that surrounds. I want to be carnal - to fight a battle in the flesh, even though I KNOW that I am not in a fleshly battle. I know it won't do any good, and that makes me feel helpless. Helpless. Broken. Frustrated. Lost. Surrounded. Alone. Pissed off.
And I can't FEEL God in this moment, even though I know He's here. And I can't understand how this is good, even though I know it has to be because He's in control. And only GOOD things come from Him. And I am His so, logically, I know that this has to be one of those things he's working "for good." But right now that's no consolation to me.
And I am really identifying with Psalm 22:11-15. "Be not far from me, for trouble is near; for there is none to help. Many bulls have surrounded me; strong bulls of Bashan have encircled me. They open wide their mouth at me, as a ravening and a roaring lion. I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint; my heart is like wax; it is melted within me. My strength is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue cleaves to my jaws; and You lay me in the dust of death."
I've gone through something similar to this twice before. And I HATE it. I hate how painful the process is... how dry and solitary the time is... how alienated I feel when I'm here. And I don't want to praise the Lord for this. I don't want to be thankful and grateful. I don't want to lift my hands and my voice in worship. I just want to wallow in my anger and frustration. I just want to let my ego scream and rail about injustice. I want my own vengeance...not God's justice, which I know is infintely better than my wrath.
But I have to remember that Psalm 22 doesn't stop at verse 15. I have to push through and remember how it ends (verses 23-31): "You who fear the LORD, praise Him; All you descendants of Jacob, glorify Him, and stand in awe of Him, all you descendants of Israel. For He has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; nor has He hidden His face from him; but when he cried to Him for help, He heard. From You comes my praise in the great assembly; I shall pay my vows before those who fear Him. The afflicted will eat and be satisfied; those who seek Him will praise the LORD. Let your heart live forever! All the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the LORD, and all the families of the nations will worship before You. For the kingdom is the LORD’S and He rules over the nations. All the prosperous of the earth will eat and worship, all those who go down to the dust will bow before Him, even he who cannot keep his soul alive. Posterity will serve Him; It will be told of the Lord to the coming generation. They will come and will declare His righteousness to a people who will be born, that He has performed it."
Sometimes life sucks, and we feel completely surrounded by the enemy, and we feel as though NO ONE is on our side. Today is one of those days for me. But no matter how I FEEL...deep down in my innermost being I KNOW God is good, and I KNOW God is sovereign, and I KNOW I am His. And because of that, I have peace. So I will praise Him in the good and the bad times, in the hard and the easy times. When I'm happy, when I'm confused, when I'm sad, and even when I'm pissed off.
