Sometimes You Just Have To Cuss

I know...it is so not "Good Christian Girl" for me to say that.  I should say that there is always an alternative word you can use, there is always a nicer, or less offensive way to put things.  And that is true.  But I also believe there are moments in life when you're being honest about something...and the rawness and naked truth of the situation calls for a precise word.  And sometimes that word is a cuss word.

I had one of those conversations with God last night that leaves you emotionally spent...one of those raw, human, frustrated, scared, angry, loving, passionate, heart-broken, gut-wrenching conversations that caused me to blow my nose through half a roll of toilet paper and gave me red-puffy eyes for the majority of the day today.  It was one of those conversations where I was honest with Him, completely and totally and brutally honest.  And in my emotional honesty and nakedness, I cussed.  A LOT.  Not at God, but about situations that had been building and festering and boiling up to that point.  I cussed out of my basic need to be REAL with Him. 

Okay, it's true that I could have edited my thoughts as I spoke them.  I could have substituted "heck" for "hell," and "darn" for "damn," and a myriad other "instead" words for other swear words I used.  But, let's be honest.  I thought them, and since He knows my thoughts, I might as well be honest and say them.  Because when you're at that point when you're broken and searching and hurting because of a situation, pretending that you don't want to scream and cuss and express your true thoughts is not going to bring you to a place where He can heal you.

I'm not saying that it's okay to walk around cussing all the time.  And I'm definitely not saying that it's okay to cuss at God, to use vulgar language associated with His Name, or to call Him those vulgar things.  But having spilled my guts last night...having been honest and real with Him and myself, I can't find that place in my heart where I feel convicted about using that strong language.  Not in those moments when the power of the emotions and the sincerity of my feelings caused me to use those words.  And I can't believe - I refuse to believe - that my God, who knows me intimately, would hold it against me.  I refuse to believe He wouldn't show grace in those moments.  I refuse to believe that He wouldn't see past the words being used, that He wouldn't look into to the heart and mind and feelings causing those words to be said, and that He wouldn't be generous and compassionate and merciful.

And, in fact, I know that He did just that.  He saw past the words, and He saw the genuineness and honesty and truth in my heart, and He showed kindness and mercy and compassion and love.  And He met me there in that moment when I was completely human and vulnerable.  He met me there in that moment when I was raw and a little ugly and emotionally naked.  And He quieted me with His love, and He covered me with His grace, and He rejoiced over me with singing.  And I feel that today.  I feel His love and grace and compassion today.  And something in me has changed because of it.  Something has been purged because of that time I spent with Him last night.

I guess I wrote all of that to say that we shouldn't be afraid to be honest - completely and totally honest with Him about how we feel and what we're struggling with.  He already knows...whether we're honest with Him or not.  But what I've learned through all of this is that being honest and raw and saying exactly what's on your mind and heart...it's not for His benefit.  It's for our benefit.  I could have gone on holding all of that in last night.  I could have pushed it to the side, buried it in distractions, like I've been doing for the past few weeks.  But last night, when I was real, and I confronted those things, when I brought them before the throne and had a genuine conversation with the Lord, He was finally able to work in me.  He was finally able to help me because I stopped clinging to it, stopped ignoring it, stopped hiding from it.  And He was finally able to move, to work, to change me, to heal me and give me peace about it.

So, this is an encouragement to all you guys who take the time to read this novel of a post.  Sometimes you just have to cuss.  Sometimes you have to get to that place where you strip everything off and say, "Here I am. This is me, this is what I feel, and, damnit, I'm tired of feeling this way."  And that's okay, because in those moments, when you're real with yourself, and you're real with God, He'll hear past the crying and the screaming and the cussing, and He'll heal that part in you that's broken and hurting and He'll give you peace and hope, and He'll restore your joy. 

And that, my friends, is beautiful.

Harry Potter 7



i have a lot of friends who love the harry potter books and movies.  i have a lot of friends who avoid them like the plague because they deal with witchcraft and sorcery.  i was one of those people who avoided them for a while because of the darkness and witchcraft in them. 

and then i watched the first movie...and the second...and the third, all the way through to HP 7, which i watched yesterday with a friend.

some friends have been excited since I've now read all the books and seen all the movies.  some friends have been disappointed because i "gave in."

but this is my perspective:

i have the God-given ability and maturity to enjoy what I read or watch, and to enjoy them as entertainment...and then be able to walk away from them and not let any negative parts influence who i am or what i do.  I've read Twilight and seen the movies, but i don't believe in Vampires and Werewolves.  I've read Harry Potter and seen the movies, but i don't walk around with a twig in my hand spouting out enchantments or spells.  some people don't have that ability to separate fact from fiction, entertainment from influence, and that's fine.  if it offends you or makes you stumble, or if you believe it is a sin, by all means, skip the movies and don't read the books.  But when it comes to what movies i watch, or books i read, i live by this credo...and these two verses:

"All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any."  1 Corinthians 6:12

and

"Therefore, if you died with Christ from the basic principles of the world, why, as though living in the world, do you subject yourselves to regulations—“Do not touch, do not taste, do not handle,” which all concern things which perish with the using—according to the commandments and doctrines of men? These things indeed have an appearance of wisdom in self-imposed religion, false humility, and neglect of the body, but are of no value against the indulgence of the flesh."  Colossians 2:20-23

I'm not saying that everyone ought to go out and watch and listen to and read whatever tickles their fancies, and I'm not saying that I don't have a responsibility to myself and those around me to stay above reproach and to be a good example.  I'm also not saying that witchcraft isn't real and that there's nothing to be concerned about.  witchcraft is very real - voodoo and all that sort of stuff is out there.

What i am saying, though, is that each person has his or her own level of ability to discern and deal with these influences.  and what a person does, watches, reads, listens to...that's all between him/her and God.  and it's no one else's business.  so if you're mature enough to handle it, and you don't think it's a sin, go out and enjoy the new Harry Potter movie.  I found it highly entertaining.  but if you are in a place where the dark aspects of it will negatively affect you, or if you find it sinful, by all means abstain. 

but whatever you do...don't judge another person for an opposite choice or opinion.  Because that's where we really go wrong.

captaining a ship in the maelstrom

to me, there is nothing more frustrating that being in limbo about something...being caught in no man's land, unsure of the next step, unsure when the next step is going to happen when you know what the next step is.

or being caught in the middle of something between two parties...and actually knowing that Party A is in the right and Party B is in the wrong...and wanting to help Party A out, but not wanting to get completely caught in the whirlpool of crap between A and B.

I'm good if i'm not invested in one side or the other.  or, even if i'm invested, but the situation is minute and people just want my advice.  where i lose my bearings is when i am passionately against one side and for another.  i want to roll up my sleeves, sail my boat right into the middle of the maelstrom and rescue the perishing.  i've tried it before, too...and i'm not inclined to do it again.  because i ended up stressed out over stuff that wasn't really my business.  and once you cross over into the maelstrom it just sucks you in like a super massive black hole...then you're the one perishing, and you're no good to anyone else.

but staying neutral is hard when your heart and your spirit are screaming out against something or someone...against an injustice or a mistreatment of people...against selfishness and pridefulness and deceit.  especially when little hearts are involved.  and especially if those little hearts mean more to you than anything else in the whole world.

so, i've decided that even though i want run up my sails and turn this ship starboard and sail right into the thick of things to rescue that floundering, broken boat...i can't do it.  all i can do is pray God to rebuke the wind and speak peace to the sea, so that busted vessel with those little hearts in cargo can take a deep breath and begin to repair the breaches in its hull, chart a new course, and hopefully sail on in more peaceful waters.

Oh to be wise...

I can't tell you how many times I've heard or thought "I wish I had known" or "if only I was a little wiser."  People talk of wisdom as though it is something learned...something taught by experience and lots of failures.  This may be true, but I believe attaining wisdom is something simple...something not nearly as difficult as we make it out to be.  Don't get me wrong.  My 77-year old grandfather is so much wiser than I am, and I would do him a disservice to say that wisdom doesn't come with age.  but i believe that people can be wise, regardless of their age.  Because while wisdom is something taught by time and experience, it is also a gift given.  And receiving wisdom is easy. 


"To know wisdom and instruction, to perceive the words of understanding
to receive the instruction of wisdom, justice, judgment, and equity;
to give prudence to the simple, to the young man knowledge and discretion --
A wise man will hear and increase learning,
and a man of understanding will attain wise counsel,
to understand a proverb and an enigma,
the words of the wise and their riddles.
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,
but fools despise wisdom and instruction."

Proverbs 1:2-7

PS.  that word fear doesn't mean mortal, irrational fear of something.  It means reverence and honor and respect...like subjects before a King.  So...if you want to be wise, it's simple.  Honor and Respect the Lord.  That's the beginning, and from there, He'll teach you wisdom.  because, after all, if we believe in Jesus, "...we have the mind of Christ."  1 Cor 2:16

what's that smell?

I don't think there's anything worse that fakers.  people who pretend to give a crap about you or your life.  people who smile and nod and lay it on thick.  people who have never been truly interested in you, and suddenly act like they care. 

please.  you don't care what i'm dealing with.  you don't care what i'm doing with my life.  you don't care how i feel.  so why pretend?

i'd rather not deal with the pretension.  i'd rather just go on knowing that you could live an entire lifetime without ever seeing me again.  i'd rather have you completely ignore my existence than sweet talk and platitudes. 

i've had enough toxic friendships, enough fake friends in my life to be able to smell the BS from a mile away.  and i don't like the stench, so just go be fake to someone else.

but i think what's worse than a peer pretending friendship is a supervisor pretending concern for employees.  as a supervisor you are held accountable for your staff and their production.  you are responsible for creating a work environment that maximizes your employees' output so that your customers are satisfied.  there are many ways to do that.  but, some people decide to be hard and lay down the law. 

so, if you're going to be hard, if you won't pay attention to concerns or your employee's experiences, don't encourage them to give suggestions or tell them that they can come speak to you about anything.  because obviously it would be an absolute waste of their time, since you're not giong to give any credence to their thoughts or opinions.  and even more, that confuses them, then it frustates them, then it irritates them, and then you end up with a bunch of employees who hate your guts because you're so two-faced.  and that's not a good place to be...so just don't even give them the option.  be hard, or be compassionate, but don't be one and pretend one.

especially don't pretend compassion.  be hard and cold and hand down mandates.  i'd rather work for someone who constantly lays down mandates and doesn't give a crap about me than someone who pretends to want to hear what i have to say, and then gives no credence to it, anyway. 

the stench of a two-faced boss is just as bad as the stench of a fake friend.

so...just be honest.  quit being a fake in your friendships or your workplace.  people don't like fakes...unless they're fakes, too.  and then, if that's the case...jeez...do you really have any genuine relationships?

now the question is: when people get a whiff of you, what do they smell?

Taming of the Shrew

Shakespeare is lovely.  There is nothing else to say about Shakespeare.  I have never been disappointed by a play or sonnet.  The man was a genius at telling stories and conveying emotion.  but...everyone knows this.  Even if you don't like the old English, and can't stand reading at all, you have to give the man props.

I have read several of his plays in my day, requisites for classes in school, standards like Hamlet, Romeo & Juliet, Julius Caesar...and others like Othello, Merchant of Venice, and A Midsummer's Night Dream.  And I've seen my share of modernizations of his plays.  Did you know that the 2001 movie Get Over It was a modernization of A Midsummer night's Dream?  Did you know that She's the Man starring Amanda Bynes is an adaptation of Twelfth Night?  well, it is.  And did you know that 10 Things I Hate About You with Heath Ledger and Julia Styles is an adaptation of...can you guess?  Taming of the Shrew.

Now, I knew it was, but I had never read the play...until this week.  And I must say that, though it is a good movie, it doesn't stay very close to the original.  They took a lot of liberty with that adaptation, and I guess they'd have to since it was set in high school and not in Medieval England.  Anyway, I enjoyed the movie and the play independently of one another.  and if you like Shakespearean work, or literature pre-1700, you'll enjoy it.

Chew on This: Jude 1:24-25

Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling,
And to present you faultless
Before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy,
To God our Savior
Who alone is wise,
Be glory and majesty
Dominion and power,
Both now and forever.
Amen.

WOW

Life of Pi by Yann Martel

So, I had heard rave reviews about this book for a few years.  three good friends had read it and said that it was fantastic and that I would love it, but for some reason, I put it off for a while.  I think it was one of those books where I was just like..."well, i'll get around to it eventually..."  but probably wouldn't have gotten around to it if I hadn't come across it in a used book store with my very good friend Wendy.  Anywho...I bought it for four or five bucks and brought it home among a stack of twelve other books.  I tried starting it a month or so ago, but couldn't get into it.  I guess I just wasn't in the mood, so I put it down, read a couple other books and the complete 6-book Dune series by Frank Herbert.  Then, when I finished that I decided to pick up Life of Pi again.  And I'm glad I did.

It was an enjoyable book.  I cared about the main character, empathized and sympathized with him.  I wanted to find out what would happen over the crest of the next wave.  (You'll understand that last sentence when you read it.)  It was engaging and thought-provoking and thrilling all at once.  It kept me on the edge of my metaphorical seat.

I would be remiss, however, if I didn't state the one aspect of the book that was difficult for me, and that was the fact that Pi actively practiced three very different religions: Hinduism, Islam, and Christianity.  Now, being a Christian, this set very wrong with me, simply because any good Bible-toting Christian knows John 14:6 in which Jesus says: "I am the Way and the Truth and the Life.  No man comes to the Father except through me."  (Or something similar, depending on your translation.)  So, I struggled with that aspect of the book, which is basically the entire first third.  How any person in their right mind could practice three drastically different religions simultaneously really stretched me almost to the point where I simply couldn't suspend my disbelief.  And it was this aspect of the book that made me put it down the first time I tried to read it.

Anyway, if you can get past Part One in Pondicherry, India, and Board the TsimTsum in Part Two the book will sweep you out into its tide, and you will sail eagerly along until it runs aground on the very last page.  It is worth muscling through the absurdity of a man who will in one breath praise Vishnu, Allah, and Jesus.

What the book does right, though, is state truly and honestly, that we as people have to have some form of belief.  Yann Martel, through Pi Patel, urges his readers to beleive something...anything.  Just have faith. 

Of course, I would say: Have faith in Christ, because it's the only faith worth having.  But I do agree with Yann's central point.  It is not the most spiritual or the atheist who is in the greatest peril.  Rather, it is the agnostic...the one who really doesn't have an opinion and isn't seeking, because he/she doesn't care.  Apathy is a most frightful ground in which to plant ones feet.

So...you want a good, philosophical, outrageous sort of tale, pick up Life of Pi.  You'll enjoy it.