Sometimes You Just Have To Cuss

I know...it is so not "Good Christian Girl" for me to say that.  I should say that there is always an alternative word you can use, there is always a nicer, or less offensive way to put things.  And that is true.  But I also believe there are moments in life when you're being honest about something...and the rawness and naked truth of the situation calls for a precise word.  And sometimes that word is a cuss word.

I had one of those conversations with God last night that leaves you emotionally spent...one of those raw, human, frustrated, scared, angry, loving, passionate, heart-broken, gut-wrenching conversations that caused me to blow my nose through half a roll of toilet paper and gave me red-puffy eyes for the majority of the day today.  It was one of those conversations where I was honest with Him, completely and totally and brutally honest.  And in my emotional honesty and nakedness, I cussed.  A LOT.  Not at God, but about situations that had been building and festering and boiling up to that point.  I cussed out of my basic need to be REAL with Him. 

Okay, it's true that I could have edited my thoughts as I spoke them.  I could have substituted "heck" for "hell," and "darn" for "damn," and a myriad other "instead" words for other swear words I used.  But, let's be honest.  I thought them, and since He knows my thoughts, I might as well be honest and say them.  Because when you're at that point when you're broken and searching and hurting because of a situation, pretending that you don't want to scream and cuss and express your true thoughts is not going to bring you to a place where He can heal you.

I'm not saying that it's okay to walk around cussing all the time.  And I'm definitely not saying that it's okay to cuss at God, to use vulgar language associated with His Name, or to call Him those vulgar things.  But having spilled my guts last night...having been honest and real with Him and myself, I can't find that place in my heart where I feel convicted about using that strong language.  Not in those moments when the power of the emotions and the sincerity of my feelings caused me to use those words.  And I can't believe - I refuse to believe - that my God, who knows me intimately, would hold it against me.  I refuse to believe He wouldn't show grace in those moments.  I refuse to believe that He wouldn't see past the words being used, that He wouldn't look into to the heart and mind and feelings causing those words to be said, and that He wouldn't be generous and compassionate and merciful.

And, in fact, I know that He did just that.  He saw past the words, and He saw the genuineness and honesty and truth in my heart, and He showed kindness and mercy and compassion and love.  And He met me there in that moment when I was completely human and vulnerable.  He met me there in that moment when I was raw and a little ugly and emotionally naked.  And He quieted me with His love, and He covered me with His grace, and He rejoiced over me with singing.  And I feel that today.  I feel His love and grace and compassion today.  And something in me has changed because of it.  Something has been purged because of that time I spent with Him last night.

I guess I wrote all of that to say that we shouldn't be afraid to be honest - completely and totally honest with Him about how we feel and what we're struggling with.  He already knows...whether we're honest with Him or not.  But what I've learned through all of this is that being honest and raw and saying exactly what's on your mind and heart...it's not for His benefit.  It's for our benefit.  I could have gone on holding all of that in last night.  I could have pushed it to the side, buried it in distractions, like I've been doing for the past few weeks.  But last night, when I was real, and I confronted those things, when I brought them before the throne and had a genuine conversation with the Lord, He was finally able to work in me.  He was finally able to help me because I stopped clinging to it, stopped ignoring it, stopped hiding from it.  And He was finally able to move, to work, to change me, to heal me and give me peace about it.

So, this is an encouragement to all you guys who take the time to read this novel of a post.  Sometimes you just have to cuss.  Sometimes you have to get to that place where you strip everything off and say, "Here I am. This is me, this is what I feel, and, damnit, I'm tired of feeling this way."  And that's okay, because in those moments, when you're real with yourself, and you're real with God, He'll hear past the crying and the screaming and the cussing, and He'll heal that part in you that's broken and hurting and He'll give you peace and hope, and He'll restore your joy. 

And that, my friends, is beautiful.